last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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