Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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