she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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