Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
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She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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