there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
