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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
