I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
