I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
