We got so high we made milksteak
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
