the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I still have a little drunk in my system
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
