On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
