dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
