WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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