I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
