I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
