Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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