I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
