How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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