he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
