where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
