she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
