Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
