I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
