Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
