I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
