She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
