Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
