wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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