when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
