I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
