the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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