Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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