but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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