Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
