U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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