she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
