i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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