so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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