I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
