My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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