Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
