Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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