Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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