my phone needs a breathalizer
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
