everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
