So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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