Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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