you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
