i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
