Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I need to align my fucking chakras
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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