Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
