Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
