he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
