I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
