glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
