I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
