When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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