genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
