a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
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I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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