i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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